Where have all the nice men gone…?

One of my biggest pet peeves after a break up is when people tell me that it’s all going to be all right, I’ll meet a nice guy in the future. This bugs me for a number of reasons:

1) I’ve either dumped someone for being a d**khead or been dumped by one. I don’t want to know about other men.

I want to hate them all, eat-ice cream, watch romantic films and shout at the Screen that he’s lying whenever the male lead says he loves the heroine before considering joining a nunnery all while secretly harbouring the fantasy that it’s all just a big mistake and my ex will turn up with a huge bouquet of flowers and a marching band to apologise or something similar.

2) You’re making a judgement on my choice of men.

You might not have liked my ex but I love him. Yes, love in the present tense because you don’t fall out of love the second you break up with someone. Suggesting finding someone new at an early stage of break up means that when the marching band has cleared and the flowers are wilting away I won’t be able to talk to you without thinking you’re judging me for being in love with this person you don’t like.

but mainly..
3) There is no such thing as nice guys.

It’s an urban myth told by mothers whose daughters have all fallen for out of work artists and people in bands. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying men can’t be nice. I’m saying that this ‘nice guy’ women talk about is a fantasy. The reason there are no nice guys is because men are human, and like all humans, they make mistakes. On paper men can be nice guys, and 90% of the time 90% of men are nice, but honestly have you ever met anyone, male or female, who has NEVER done anything wrong or made a mistake EVER?

A lot of my guy friends complain to me that women only seem to want a**holes and not nice guys, but the reality is, everyone can be an a**hole sometimes. Most girls go out with guys because they appear to be nice guys, only to discover they are actually just mere humans. I can honestly say I have never talked to any female who has gone on a date and come home saying ‘He was a right a**hole, I think I’m going to marry him!’ But I have known loads of females who start seeing someone because they are really, really nice only for it to end a few years later because he fancied his car more and other such stupid reasons.

and On that note, nice girls don’t exist either. We have periods.’ Periods‘ and ‘nice’ are an oxymoron.  Sorry!

Abstinence is a drink right?

It’s been a while since a subject has come up that I felt I needed to write about. That all changed about five minutes ago when I read a blog article a friend posted up on Facebook. The article in question was the Blogger’s response to an email he had been sent from a teenage boy who felt ‘weird’ because he wanted to wait until marriage before having sex, but in a recent sex Ed class his teacher told the class that waiting for marriage was an old fashioned view and that abstinence was unrealistic. The Blogger’s response was that casual sex was absolutely not okay and labelled the teacher a ‘fool’.

I think, first and foremost labelling anyone a ‘fool’ because their views do not hold with your own, is not okay. Secondly, as much as some people would like it to be different, abstinence is unrealistic. I’m not saying abstinence is a bad thing. I think very highly of anyone who not only chooses to wait until they are married, but also those who ultimately achieve that goal. While I do think abstinence is a great policy, I believe it cannot be the only policy. For a lot of teenagers, the abstinence policy is too late. I know a lot of parents of young teenagers don’t want to admit this, but more and more teenagers are becoming sexually active from a younger age.

Take that horrible drama in Britain a few years ago, about the 13 year old dad, who turned out not to be the dad, instead it was another 14 year old boy that a 15 year old girl was sleeping with. Confused yet?

Miss 15 and Mr 13 were boy friend and girlfriend.

Miss 15 got pregnant and naturally claimed Mr 13 was the father.

However, Miss 15 was sleeping with Mr 14 and Mr 16 at the time of conception.

According to Mr 13’s mother, he never actually had intercourse with the girl, but he was so innocent that when she told him that the baby was his he believed it.

 This story highlights a number of things:

One, that Teenagers are involved in intercourse at a very early age.

Two, that some parents are not aware that this is a possibility and therefore do not take the necessary steps to educate their children on how to protect themselves during intercourse and the implications of starting sexual relationships, especially at such a young age.

My mother was always very honest with me about sex and sexual health, but one thing she told me always stuck out in my mind. Once you have sex, it’s very hard to go back to not having sex. People start to expect you to have sex with them.* After all you slept with the last person you were with so why won’t you sleep with the next person? Before having sex for the first time, you not only have to think ‘am I ready to have sex with this person?’ but more along the lines of  ‘am I ready to have sex become an issue in all my relationships for the rest of my life?‘

Instead of discussing abstinence from sex, we really should be discussing attitudes towards sex, sexual health and casual sex. After all, despite the seemingly unrealistic expectations of abstinence it does have one advantage. No risk of sexually transmitted diseases.

We all like to think only prostitutes and crack whores have diseases,  but the reality is, Joe Bloggs can get one just as easily. Regular health checks and condoms are the way forward, and remembering that every time you sleep with someone new you are increasing your risk of an STD. Someone else once pointed out to me that when you sleep with someone, you are bringing all your past sexual history with you and they are bringing theirs.

The simple advice is, always wear condoms, and if you are entering into a mutually exclusive relationship, wait until you both have your sexual health checks before you lose the condom, and don’t sleep around if your suppose to be in monogamous relationship, because it only takes one person to give you a sexually transmitted disease.

So should we be promoting abstinence? Probably yes, for as long as possible. Is it realistic? Not really.

Or should we present both abstinence and sexual health facts in tandem, with an emphasises on how to protect yourself when you do start having intercourse?

*Sex should ALWAYS be between two CONSENTING adults. My statement is merely reflecting on the difficulty of finding a partner who would be accepting of the fact that you don’t wish to have sex at all when you have previously had sex with someone else.

If You Liked It You Shoulda Put A Ring On It…. Or You Know, Not Dumped Her????

Jealousy. The green eyed monster. In relationships, we all at some point must suffer through this., usually irrationally, sometimes understandably, but when you dump someone and then try to shag someone else, you really should keep your green eyed friend in check when someone else notices that your ex might be a little bit of alright….
Here’s the thing, for most people, the reason why they become boyfriend and girlfriend is because they are saying this person is my special person and no one else can have them, that’s why cheating hurts so much.

When you dump someone and you make plans to hook up with someone else, you really have absolutely no ground to stand on if they decide to hook up with someone else, and you certainly don’t have any stone throwing rights if someone else is trying to chat up your ex. If someone is single, most people are going to assume they are fair game, after all if you really wanted to be with them, you would be with them.

You cannot expect to be allowed to shag everything left, right and centre while your ex sits in a corner doing nothing. Honestly, get over yourself!! Do really believe you are the only one who has ever been attracted to your ex?? Do you believe you are entitled to be with everyone and anyone, but they should only ever be with you?? Double standard, anyone??

You can’t dump someone and then shit all over them because someone else happens to think they are attractive too. Either ask them to get back with you and hope the ship hasn’t sailed, or shut up and go back to your corner with your jealousy and hypocrisy for comfort thank you very much.

Ask yourself why are you really so bothered by it? Are you really entitled to be bothered by it? Do you want to get back with this person? Why did you break up with them? Are you just inventing reasons for you guys not to be together? is this all some stupid game where you are testing the other person by being an extreme asshole and dumping them and seeing if the fall apart without you? Is it and ego trip? 

And the real question you need to ask yourself is why is okay for you to sleaze on other people but no one is allowed to sleaze on your ex? What has your ex really done wrong, except be attractive to someone other than you? Can you really punish them for that?

You’ve already told them you don’t want them, can you really tell them no one else is allowed want them too??

In the end.

Boy meets girl.
Boy falls in love with girl.
Boy and girl party like lunatics and have lots of fun together.
Girl gets pregnant.
Boy thinks he is being a ‘real’ man by standing by her and proposing marrige.
Boy barely knows girl outside of partying.
Boy not sure he likes serious side of girl.
Boy marries serious girl because it’s the right thing to do.
Boy and girl fight.
Boy and girl agree on nothing.
Boy doesn’t know who girl he married is.
Boy loves party girl, not serious girl.
Boy is unhappy.
Boy knows girl is unhappy too.
Boy and girl won’t admit marriage is mistake.

Boy and girl fight more.
Boy stays at work longer to avoid going home to girl.
Boy and girl fight even more.
Boy and girl call it a day.
Boy and girl don’t tell anyone they are separated yet.
Girl thinks there is still chance they can work something out.

Boy meets other girl.
Other girl makes boy smile.
Other girl shows boy how to have fun outside of party.
Other girl has plans and dreams.
Other girl is dream girl.
Other girl is soul-mate.

Boy asks other girl on date.
Boy and other girl have a great time.
Boy is smitten.
Other girl is smitten.
Girl is angry.
Girl thinks other girl is stealing boy from her.
Girl forgets her and boy are broken up and unfixable.
Girl gets jealous that boy has moved on so quickly.
Boy realises he HAS moved on and loves other girl.
Boy tells other girl about wife.

Aaaaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!
Sometimes the beginning of something rear-ends the end of another. Everything in life can’t be perfect, and sometimes when life sends you something perfect, he sends it to you wrapped in shit.

Life’s timing can be very off. He sometimes likes to send you the best of things, at the worse of times.

Like prince charming. If he arrived late it might be because he misread the signs and rescued the wrong princess, married her and only actually bumped into you on his search for a dragon to slay him and save him from his miserable marriage.

Rule number one on asking a woman to marry you. NEVER ASK A WOMAN TO MARRY YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A CHILD TOGETHER.

Rule number 20 of being in a relationship. NEVER STAY TOGETHER FOR THE SAKE OF THE KIDS.

A relationship is between two people. And there are many types of relationships. You can have several types of  relationships with one person.

Working relationship.
Friendship.
Sexual.
Romantic.
Parental partnership.

Mother.
Brother.
Boss.
Client.

Your parental partnership and your romantic/sexual relationships are TWO separate relationships and as such, should be treated as separate entities. If your romantic relationship fails it SHOULD NOT affect your parental partnership.

Don’t punish your children because you married the wrong man.

Don’t waste years of a woman’s life married to her, just because you got her knocked up.

All you will end up with are tears,heartache, bitterness and resentment.

The biggest heartache being that when the trial separation comes around. One of you will move on a lot faster than the other.
Sometimes so fast it will leave the other partner in shock, and disbelief.
Prepare to be slandered. Publicly humiliated and made feel guilty. Anger is never attractive. Blind rage is often gruesome. Particularly if it has many years to stew.

No child should ever have to feel like they need to pick a side. They are on both your sides, or none of your sides or really just wish your sides could be left to the side so they can celebrate the big moments of their life without having to worry if you guys will cause a scene. Do you really want your only daughters wedding plans to include how she can keep you and your ex-spouse from spending to much time near each other so you don’t have a fight? Or whether or not she can invite one parent’s new partner, without upsetting the other parent.

Relationships are hard and complex. They are made harder when you have more than one type of relationship with someone, and lets be honest, you rarely have one type of relationship with anyone. Involved with someone at work? Are you going to quit the job you love because your romantic relationship broke down? Or are you going to be a grown up and deal with that person professionally while at work and curse them when you get home?

What about our financial relationships? I often think the breakdown of the finances cause more grief than the actually loss of the person. In Ireland the woman tends to get the house if you have kids, as well as child support. Most people say rightly so, and yet can you imagine being forced to leave the house you worked hard for, paid the mortgage for, for ten years, was your home, as well as having to pay money on top of that, while trying to maintain enough money to support you in a new house? 

Yes, everyone has a responsibility towards the cost of raising children, I’m not arguing that. It takes two people to bring a child into the world, but a bit of understanding could go a long way. Sometimes, the other parent just does not have the money that week, sometimes you will need to ask for extra. If you can put your emotional issues with one another aside, you can come up with a solution that works best for everyone, and most importantly the kids. I know far too many fathers who had to cancel taking their kids certain weekends because they’re rent was due and they had to pay maintenance so they didn’t have enough money left over to feed the child if they came over. Is money really more important than a child’s relationship with their father?

Is your emotional pain worth causing your children emotional pain?

Gone fishing….

The Irish mating rituals confuse me. I say mating because the Irish don’t date. If you hear an Irish person saying they are going on a date, they’re taking the piss, or can’t think of a better way to describe it. We don’t meet up for coffee with a random person in the hopes that maybe they are our soul mate. We go to the pub, with a group of girls, while he goes with a group of lads and see were the night takes us…

We go the cinema, with a group of girls while he goes with a group of lads, then go to the pub to see were the night takes us.

Or we hang out in each other’s respective houses and don’t go anywhere.

When confronted with an actual dinner and a movie scenario we get confused, nervous, and usually end up in the pub.

We also don’t label our relationship for a ridiculously long time. To the point of confusion. Usually because we’re to afraid to ask where this is going in case we’re not on the same wave length.

“What if she’s just looking for a bit of fun and I want a serious relationship?”

“Is he my boyfriend? Are we exclusive?”

I know several people who are exclusively seeing each other, but they refuse to label themselves as a couple. I know several others who are seeing someone but they are unsure of the exclusivity of their relationship and therefore too frightened of seeing other people even though exclusivity has not been determined. I know others who are sleeping around because they haven’t been told they are a relationship yet and until they are will continue to be a free agent.

Why is it so hard to say, “hey so every time the gang of us go to the pub, you and I always end up back at your place shagging, so are we an exclusive item or just too lazy to try to pull someone else?”

Why is so hard to rock the relationship boat?

Is there a relationship boat??

Maybe the root cause is that we don’t date properly, we just shag each other until everyone else tells us we’re an item and we become untouchables to everyone but each other. Maybe it’s because we date within our social circles? It’s easy to go from friends, friends with benefits, relationship because we’ve been shagging for so long. But is that the basis for a good relationship?

What happens if it all goes bad. Do we hide under our duvets until a timetable has been devised between our friends as to when each person can hang out with them. Do we force our friends to banish the other party from the group or do we leave the group in search of a new group where we haven’t slept with any of the members of the opposite sex yet?? Do we awkwardly struggle to maintain friendship for a few months knowing that you’ll be friends again as soon as you both start shagging someone else in the group?

Or do we just all grow up and go on a date with someone OUTSIDE of the group. Like an actual date. With flowers, and awkwardness and no group of friends to use as crutches and no pub??? Or would that be too brave? After all where do you meet people that aren’t your friends, or your friend’s friends, or a regular at your local pub?

1. Get a hobby. You can meet tons of new and interesting people who are interested in the same things as you. It could be a sport, or just going to the gym once a week, an art class, a book club, volunteering, just going bowling at the local bowling ally with your best friend. The trick is to engage with other people around you and talk to them, you don’t have to fancy them to chat with them, practise talking to strangers. Your old enough now to know how to talk to strangers and be safe surely.

2. At work. OK maybe dating colleagues is not the best idea in the world, but if you have a job that requires you to interact with a lot of people on a day to day basis, e.g. waitress, Shop assistant, hair dresser. Flirt a little, (not outrageously inappropriately mind you!) As long as your not a judge hitting on the defendant in a murder trial, you could meet some lovely new friends and potential boyfriends through work.

3. On-line. I know, I know, there’s loads of weirdos on-line who want to turn you into a skin suit and it’s so hard to be safe etc. etc. Understandable worries. This method requires common sense, download some before you start. Now most of you are assuming I’m talking about on-line dating, and yes that is one very direct way of finding a potential date, but the on-line world is bigger than dating sites. Social media is a big player in how we socialise and interact with one another now a days. Many of you, I’m sure have a friend who post status/pictures/ links that can become talking points between many of their friends, I’m sure you have all joined in at some point, and I’m sure your friend has a friend that you regularly have a banter with but aren’t actually friends with yourself. Some of these friend’s friends, happen to be of the opposite sex and good-looking. You already know they are intellectually stimulating. And if they are, it might be worth your while getting to know them off-line too? Ask your friend about them, add them as a friend, invite them to coffee to discuss ‘politics’ see where it goes….

Now that you’ve all met someone outside your usual circle of friends there is the whole how do you date situation.

Don’t be tempted by the Dutch courage that pub offers. It also comes with beer goggles, and an alcohol translator which will not only show you as a different person, but them too, you could have a wonderful time drunk as you like and have a terrible sober second date because their drunk personality suited your drunk personality but their day to day personality doesn’t suit yours one little bit. Plus it’s unimaginative.

Try for an afternoon date. Casual coffee, light lunch. simple, inexpensive and a chance to talk. As talking is what’s important. Not impressing the other person.

That’s right. The first date isn’t about impressing the other person. It’s about saying these are the best aspects of my personality, do you like them? After all what’s the point in telling a potential boyfriend that your so good at multitasking that you can make him a sandwich when ever he wants with everything on it while giving him head, if you can’t? He won’t like you for the right reasons then. And fairly soon you’ll discover he isn’t batman, like he said either and you’ll be 6 months in a relationship with someone and wondering who this person is your now with and were did the one you started dating go?

If you like playing music and are fairly talented in that field tell him so, when the chance arrives show him. If you like cooking and baking and you CAN cook and bake tell him so, when the chance arrives show him. Things you can do and can do well are impressive, especially since you can back up your claims with proof.

Appearance is also an important factor. Men say that women are deceptive when the wear push up bras and loads of make up etc. and men are right. It might get him into bed, but that level of grooming cannot be a 24 hour hour thing. Start correctly. You don’t need a push up bra, you need a properly fitting bra that looks nice and gives you a boost worn under flattering clothing, that expresses who you are. Don’t dress seductively and provocatively on a first date if jeans and a t-shirt are your thing. Wear a pair of dressy jeans (they exist now.) with some heels (at a height you can walk in.) and a dressy top. Keep an element of your day to day self in what you are wearing. Date four you can go all out sexy and provocative to show a different side to you, The more sexual side that is there but isn’t the core of who you are. Unless of course you only want to sleep with this man and nothing more, then go hell for leather, maybe even wear some leather….

Be aware of the time, If it is a day date, you don’t need a truck load of glitter and eye-liner to have dazzling make up, you need a nice subtler day make up, If you tend to have dramatic eyes, try a softer version of that for a day time date(lighter colours e.g browns instead of black), but go with the same style of make up your comfortable with. If you don’t tend to wear make up during the day, clear mascara, lip balm, tinted moisturiser. Consider it air brushing, you want to look your best, but there’s no point in over loading your face with colours and cosmetics you would usually have the time to look at never mind wear. If you wear red lipstick every second of every day, then your dates are no exception. If it makes up who you are, your style, personality and confidence, don’t leave it at home.

Of course, sex is also a big thing. Always bring condoms. The other person may forget or assume it might not get that far or that because your on a different form of contraception that you might not care about STI’s. I would advise against sleeping with anyone too soon unless you went out with them specifically because you just wanted them for sex. I would generally say fourth date and on wards is an acceptable time to start the tom foolery, it’s given you three times to meet them and see if your comfortable with them and actually interested in them, but if your not ready by the fourth date, don’t feel like your have to. When your both ready is when your developing relationship is ready. If you want a lasting relationship it should be with someone your comfortable with and your comfortable to WAIT for. If you find you can’t wait until the other person is ready, then maybe they aren’t for you, and vice versa. Neither party should feel pressure to sleep with someone before they are comfortable to. It doesn’t just go for loosing your virginity, it is the same for every relationship. If you want a relationship based on love then you need to have patience and so do they. You’ll need that patience later on. When you have kids. (Who wake up when your about to get down to the naughty. They have an alarm for ruining your sex life, don’t ya know!!) You also need to know that when you do sleep together and it’s not so great that you have the confidence to SAY IT to the other person and make it good. You can train people to be good in bed with you (Honest you can!). You can’t train yourself to be confident and comfortable enough to train someone to be good in bed with you on the first night of meeting them, that requires a deeper level of trust, and understanding of each other. Poor sex should never be a reason to break up with someone, If it’s poor it’s because neither of you spoke up, learned what you both like in bed and didn’t tell each other what you didn’t like. No one is going to learn to be good in bed if someone doesn’t take the time to tell them where the clitoris is.

And if you find after several dates that this new budding relationship isn’t for you, SAY IT TO THE OTHER PERSON. Ignoring them and hoping they will go away is not only rude and disrespectful, it’s childish and inappropriate. The other person won’t disappear and move on with their life, if you don’t tell them your not interested. If you ignore their phone calls and can’t find the time to meet up with them, your not even giving them the chance to break up with you so that they can start seeing other people. It might surprise you, wonderful and all as you are, that your new other half might be desirable to other people who are willing to give them the time of day, but they are. Let them be free to be with someone who wants a relationship. It’s much less hassle.

And if all this dating hassle seems too much like effort, watch a Rom-com. All the eeewy-gooewy feelings, compacted in two hours.

 

“Oh, I can’t this weekend because I’m waiting for a text from my ex to see if he wants a shag this weekend.”

Why it is that smart, beautiful, confident, stylish and sexy women are allowing them selves to be nothing more than a booty call? I am guilty myself of breaking up with a guy and then succumbing to sleeping with him after the brake up only to realise that I’ve just given him what he wants while I’m still longing for I want. I thought it was my own shameful secret, because I am an intelligent, independent, sexy, beautiful, confident woman, I think… 

But I was slightly amused to find out that someone I know, who I have always thought was one of the most beautiful, sexy, intelligent stylish and confident women I know, was being ‘head-wreaked’* by a man, nay, worse a boy(He is merely 21, she is 25). Before I use to think only the really stupid girls let a guy keep them waiting on a phone line for the possibility of a phone call of maybe hanging out ‘as friends‘ later. Also know as ‘booty call in denial” .

Think about it. If a guy dumps you, he’s saying he doesn’t think you work as a couple, that he doesn’t see a lasting future between you, he doesn’t actually fancy you or you annoy him in some way or other. Valid reasons.

You’re sad, you cry in the comfort of your jammies and sitting room, eating Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, watching, Rom-coms, drinking wine and contemplating being found dead, alone and eaten by Alsatians, à la Bridget Jones, and then you start to move forward, after all you’re not that bad and he’ll realise that soon enough( you tell yourself knowing somewhere deep in your mind that it’s not true.)

Then out of the blue not long after, he texts you, just a normal text as if nothing had even happened! Has he already begun to realise he missed me, so soon? you ask yourself (now you start to believe he will be crawling back to you!) He suggests going somewhere as ‘just friends’ after all even though the relationship didn’t work, you still always enjoyed hanging out, so why not still hang out?? You agree, and before you know it you’ve shaved, waxed, bleached, ex foliated, tanned, polished, buffed, airbrushed, tucked and worked magic to somehow make you the sexiest girl in the world wearing his favourite outfit on you and somehow you mange to make it all  look natural. (A talent that only seems to occur in extreme circumstances!)

You know you look breathtaking, pulled together, unlike your tear drenched face the night before, how could he not want you back?

You hang out, you have great fun, he keeps brushing off you ‘forgetting‘ he no longer has the privilege and apologising and then before you know it you’re in bed together doing the no pants dance and you think ‘yay! I knew he wanted me back!’

Until reality sinks in: He hasn’t actually asked you to get back with him, and whose idea was it to go to bed anyway? Does this mean we’re back together, should I ask? (The answer is always ‘yes‘, preferably with this phrasing : “what exactly did last night mean, because  you broke up with me the day before then you asked to hand out, and as much as you’d like to believe myself and Lucy have a quick fumble now and again, I’m sorry to disappoint you but I don’t sleep with my friends, so If you have no intentions of getting back with me then I don’t think we should hang out as it will obviously be no good for either of us in the long run.”)

But you don’t ask, because you don’t want to seem needy, and what if he decides you can’t even be friends and hang out any more and you lose him completely?

That is the moment you lose a quarter of your self confidence.

The next quarter you’ll lose a few weeks later when you’ve realised, you’ve been sleeping with him regularly and yet he still has not asked you to get back with him officially and you don’t know whether you are exclusively ‘just f**king‘ each other or if he’s with other girls too, or are you allowed to date anyone else??

The next quarter of confidence you’ll lose is when you realise that none of his friends know he’s still seeing you, or his family, in fact you don’t even hang out anywhere you could bump into them. It’s like he’s ashamed to be with you. You feel like your good enough to be f**ked, but not worthy to be seen in public?

When you lose all confidence in yourself  is when another friend invites you to hang out and you tell her your can’t and then make up a lie about what your actually doing because you know that “Oh, I can’t this weekend because I’m waiting for a text from my ex to see if he wants a shag this weekend.” sounds pathetic, and well is, but you’re still going to be waiting for that text message.

Logically, you would just tell him that he is either your boyfriend or that he can’t keep shagging you while waiting to see if something better comes along. He either lets you go and takes his chances hoping to find better out there, or he realises what he’s got and starts acting like it. If he doesn’t want people to know he’s still seeing you, he can jog on.

Except this isn’t a logic issue is it? It’s an emotional issue. And that makes it complicated. Emotions don’t understand logic, they don’t function in anything but the irrational and illogical! And they come up with the most beautiful excuses to fool you into continuing on your course of self inflicted masochism. Maybe he’s just too busy to commit to me fully right now. Maybe he’s just scared of his own feelings towards me. Maybe, Maybe, Maybe.

And Maybe he is. But you won’t know until you finally pull yourself together, remember that you are in fact a beautiful,sexy, intelligent, funny, stylish, confident, woman and that you don’t need to take shit from this man, because you can find a million men to treat you like this, he’s not so special. You can also find a man who actually appreciates you, wants to show you off, and wants to be your boyfriend.

And most importantly, say it to him.

It’s no good thinking these things, unless you say it to him. And you make him make a choice. All of you, or none of you. And I won’t lie,  He is most like going to choose to just end it and have no relationship at all. But that’s ok. Because now you can move on, instead of being in relationship limbo and always feeling uncertain. And at least it ends on your terms and not just when he actually finds a girlfriend he does like showing off or worse you find out he’s already got a new girlfriend but just neglected to tell you about and kept you on as a side line.

*’head-wreaked’: term used when someone is confusing you, leading (or misleading) you on, or all around just frustrating you.

“Learning to love thy neighbour…”

Parable of the Good Samaritan (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A Little bit of a change today, Although I’m still going to write with love in mind, I’m going to give relationships a miss today! I have a confession, I discriminate against a large group of people. A major majority if you will. I strongly dislike judgemental people. I personally Don’t care what your skin colour, sex, religion, sexual orientation, shoe size, hair colour, music taste or diet is. I respect that some of those things people can’t choose and that others are qualities you have picked up over the years through your own experiences. I like differences. They make the world interesting.

I’m the annoying girl at a party who if I find out your muslim will ask you twenty billion questions about it, because I’m fascinated but the differences and similarities between my own beliefs. If you have tatoo’s I want to know what they all mean and how long they took, If you have an accent I want to know where you came from, how different it was to my own up bringing! I’m curious. I don’t care that it’s different or strange, I love that it’s different and strange! I like to learn new ways of thinking, I feel it helps me grow as a person. Knowledge is power. Ignorance is a cage we build to contain ourselves, It’s prison guards hate and anger.

So it really, really bugs me when I see people stereotyping people and categorizing them into groups. You can’t know someone just because you know one thing about them, that one think does not make up them and it doesn’t make them the same as anyone else who has the same belief or thoughts.

Like being gay. Why is it such a problem for a man to marry another man? How does that effect you? Whether or not they are married, they can still live together and are still having sex. Not letting them get married isn’t going to change that. Who said Christian’s had the monopoly on marriage? Or Muslims? Or Jews? Or every other religion that includes marriage? If two women are not allowed to marry because it’s against someone’s religious belief’s, If marriage is a religious vow before god. Then a straight man and woman should not be allowed to marry. Either it’s a religious thing and only open to believers or it’s not and ANYONE should be able to do it. Besides, we let people marry goats and cars. surly we can allow two humans to marry, even if they are the same sex??

Or having a specific religious belief? I’m a Christian, A really bad one in many cases but I still believe in God, Jesus and the bible, I can’t actually help it, I can try dismiss it and pretend I don’t but deep down to my very core I still believe it. I reckon it’s the same for anyone with a belief system. So what if what someone believes is different to your own? How do you know that they’re doing strange things?? Are Muslims ALL terrorists??? Does it say in the Qur’an that you must go blow people up?? Eh, no actually it doesn’t, It’s surprisingly similar to Christianity in it’s core teachings. I’ve read bits of the Qur’an, after all knowledge is power, the power to understand, and as a Christian, I was thought compassion, understanding and being helpful to anyone regardless of what they believe. I was also thought the parable of the good samaritan, how about we update it for people Christians who don’t seem to get it,

“There was a Gay man who decide to go for a hike and some camping one day, as he was hiking he was set upon buy a group of youths who seeing that he was gay(lets pretend ha had a t-shirt saying gay and proud on) decided to beat him, and take his things, then leave him badly wounded. As the man lay dying,  a catholic priest came by on his Saturday afternoon stroll, seeing the man and realising he was gay the priest left him as he was afraid of what it would look like to be seen with a gay man after everything the church teaches about homosexuality. After the priest, another man past, he saw the man but noticing he was gay he left him, afraid someone might see him and think he was also gay. Finally, a Muslim man walked by, Upon seeing the turban, the gay man knew he would not help him, but to his surprise the Muslim man knelt beside him and  began looking over his wounds. He immediately called for an ambulance and the police. They gay man asked him why he was helping him and the Muslim man replied, I cannot walk away from someone in need of my help, It is in the Qu’ran “God does not forbid you to be kind and equitable to those who have neither fought against your faith nor driven you out of your homes. In fact God loves the equitable.” Chapter 60, Verse 8.*”

The point of the good samaritan parable was that no matter who you are and what you believe you should help someone in need, show compassion and caring, whether they believe the same as you. And whether you believe in the bible, the Qu’ran, the Torah or whatever faith or lack of faith you have, the message still holds the same. Love. Love for a fellow human being, who did not ask to be alive, who did not choose where they were born, the colour of their skin, what they believed in, who they fell in love with or were attracted too or what music choice they had. 

No matter where you go, there will always be bad people, in every section or “label” we choose to group people in, There will always be bad people. The catholic church is guilty of terrible sins, but that doesn’t mean every priest is evil. A few Fundamentalist Muslims did a very bad thing, but that does not mean they are all terrorists, A single white male went into a cinema and shot innocent people, that does not mean every single white male will do the same, Two boys who liked Marilyn Manson music shot up their school, that doesn’t mean everyone who listens to his music will. A few Irish people bombed London, That doesn’t mean every Irish person will. 

Stereotyping is not going to make the world a better place, eradicating a group of people for their beliefs is not going create world peace. Accepting our differences, embracing them, Respecting them will go a long way in helping the world to grow peacefully.Let’s stop judging people on only one aspect of their personalities and get to know the whole person. Who knows what we could learn! Love is a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection —”the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another”**

We are a globally community, and ultimately we all have one thing in common. We are all human.

*If anyone of the Muslim faith could verify that that is in fact the correct quote that would be very much appreciated!!

**Taken from Wiki definition of love.

You don’t deserve my love…. So why have you got it?

You hear it banded about quite a lot, ‘He soooo doesn’t deserve a girl like her.’ Or ‘ he deserves so much better than him.’ ‘They deserve each other.’ , ‘how did she manage to pull him.’ And I’m curious, Who sets the bar for who we deserve as partners. Who decides who we fall in love with? Do ANY of us actually deserve each other?

Do our past relationship mistakes mean that we don’t deserve a future healthy relationship? Are our lifetime relationships just reincarnations based on how we performed in the last relationship?

After all everyone has lied to someone they love about something, everyone has said things they regret, everyone has done something seemingly unforgivable to someone they care about throughout their lifetime. Everyone has let someone down at one point or another even though we all promise to always be there no matter what.

So what constitutes anyone to be out of someone else’s league? What is this league business anyway. Surely it’s just a case of mutual attraction regardless of previous self stated level of potential life partner criteria? Can we really sit down and write out a list of qualities we would like in another person and expect to get it? Or is that just wishful thinking, do people spend so much time looking for someone perfect that they miss the perfect someone?

And how long do people stay perfect for? After all we are all constantly growing and changing throughout our lifetimes based on the people we meet and the experiences we go through that the person we started out with isn’t the same person we end up with five years downs the line. You wouldn’t even be the same person five years down the line. And what makes you decide they don’t ‘deserve’ you? What if you don’t deserve them?

In fact why do you deserve love at all? Because you want it? Because you need it? But what have you done that means you deserve it? Your a nice person? You don’t drink or Smoke or swear? So you deserve the pick of the best of us? Maybe the best of us Smoke and drink and swear? Who decides who are the best of us?

We all come into the world with nothing. Sure our parents give us stuff until we’re old enough to earn it for ourselves, but do we really deserve what our parents give us? They provide for us because they love us and care for us and want the best in life for us, But do we deserve their love simply because they are our parents?  For most of us, no matter what our parents were like, they still have our love, whether they deserve it or not. And we have their love whether we deserve it or not. So does love really work on a currency of the deserving? And if so who is deserving? Have we all misplaced our love in undeserving people? Can we take it back? If we could take it back is it really love?

Who decides people deserve the Bad people? Or at least bad people in a relationship sense?  Why does one person’s undeserving lover who is immature, cold, cruel and uncommitted in one relationship become mature, warm, kind nurturing and committed to someone else? I mean how can your partner, who is every bit deserving of your love through his kind actions, who is always there for you and wonderful in every sense of the word, of been someone’s nightmare and undeserving of their love? What redeemed them to be deserving of yours?

Do we all have a grading system on our love? Are we only entitled to love certain people based on their job, social standing, political ideals and sense of humour?

Or is just the bottom line no-one deserves anyone?

The saying goes that everyone deserves to be loved. But by whom?

Is it just a simple case of  we just love who we love? Deserving or otherwise?

 

Your lover’s lover….

So they other day I recently found out that someone very close to me has gotten involved with someone else’s girlfriend, which very much upset me for a number of reasons…

My very dear Friend has only recently split with his partner of a reasonable number of years, He has children with his ex partner, so he carries a lot of baggage for any prospective new partners. Not that big of a deal for the genuinely interested. But it makes things a little harder.

Now maybe my very dear friend is simply looking for a rebound, no commitment and that is understandable, a little NSA is ok, but when your F**king someone elses girlfriend there are a million invisible strings attached just waiting to trip you up and I can honestly say that I’m not ok it that, Whatever about the issues she’s having in her realtionship, My friend can do better, Should be doing better.

Firstly, when her boyfriend finds out, and he will, It’s a small town full of big mouths, My darling friend may have to face up to a beating, which he would deserve because he knows full well about his flings boyfriend, If my friend hit back, that would just be bad form. If you can’t face the consequences don’t do the crime!

Secondly, After her boyfriend finds out the chance that you end up in another full-blown relationship is actually quite high, maybe the guilt of knowing you were the straw that broke the relationships back may keep you there or you think it’s still just going to be NSA and don’t realise it isn’t untill she’s living in your house.

You’ve got kids mate, do you really want a new girlfriend rushed into their lives, especially one that didn’t plan on actually being with you in the first place? Do you think she’ll be able to handle the responsibility that comes with being with someone with kids, It’s a hard job, It is not for the fickle, It takes a tough person, a person who not only truly loves you, but genuinely loves your kids too. Do you really think this girl could be ‘the one?’

Because that’s how you need to view anyone your going to have repeated sexual contact with. Far too many times flings drag out into something more than they ought to because it’s just to comfortable to go back the guaranteed ‘waterhole’ rather then look around for a new spot.

Being a single parent is hard. You need to give a LOT more thought into your prospective partners than those without kids. When you don’t have kids you can bring people into your life, immerse your self in them, then realise, nope it isn’t right and throw them away. Harsh but true. Dating is like a 30 day trial, your testing this person out, and if you don’t love it, you can return it.

Dating when you have kids is like getting a puppy, if it runs away, is too hard to handle or you love it but the kids wanted a cat then it’s not just you who has to deal with the pain/loss/frustration of whether the puppy stays or goes. The difference is when you get rid of the puppy, although the child misses the puppy he never doubts the puppy’s loyalty, when you get rid of your partner who the child has grown fond of the child questions whether your partner actually want to be their friend or just used them to get to you, and puppies aren’t mean to you when your mommy’s not looking either.

Getting involved in a fling when you have kids is a risky area but getting involved with someone else’s girlfriend is not the answer. It takes all the complications of dating as a single parent and adds ‘why someone came and beat daddy up in the front garden trouble’ on top.

And you can do so much better than stealing the scraps of someone else plate.

 

 

“ADVICE, n. The smallest current coin.” *

I’ve been reading again. I like to read, It’s a downfall, but some of things people say get into my head. Some inspire me, some make me question my own thoughts on a subject, some make me laugh and some just plain annoy me. Like really annoy me.

Some people make amazing points on things but lack the creativity to really portray their meaning or opinion, I can stand for that, some people I totally disagree with their opinions but their writing style is amazing and whether I agree with them or not I enjoy reading what they have to say.

But When someone writes an opinion or gives advice that I just can’t agree with AND it’s written poorly I get annoyed. Particularly because the things I read that really annoy me are usually written by journalists. That get paid for their bias opinion and poor wordsmanship. Lately I have taken to reading a lot of blogs, Because quite frankly the level of writing skill Is far greater than in any of the newspapers or magazines I pick up, which is a little pathetic considering most of the people I’ve been reading are not getting paid for their blogs. They do it as a hobbie, a way to let off steam. And If you don’t agree with them you can make a comment underneath, start a friendly debate and learn something to expand your perspective on something and become more informed about what’s important to you, maybe even change your opinion on something or expand your understanding.

I welcome comments on my blog, particularly if they contrast to my own views on the world because I can learn, I get another perspective outside of my own personal experience or thoughts on a subject. It helps me grow as a person.

I particularly like to read about relationships, as I said before I have no blueprint for what a relationship should look like, I can only gather information through day to day life with my partner and by talking about it with other people in relationships and reading what the so-called experts say. The experts always seem to disappoint, a lot of the stuff they write about just doesn’t seem relevant to anything I or anyone I know experiences in our day to day relationships and a lot of the time the final advice is ‘give up’ he’s not right for you. If I was to follow that advice I would be single, and I would not be able to ever have a relationship with anyone because I wouldn’t be right for ANYONE either, because I can’t seem to follow any of the self help advice either.

I’m sorry, I can’t always look amazing for my partner every second of everyday, I cannot always give myself up to my or my partners sexual whims whenever they arrive, I cannot issue ultimatums when ever my relationship doesn’t go my way. 

For start, I can’t spend hours getting beautiful just to keep the spark alive in my relationship. I would love to wear my heels and sexy clothes all day long for myself, but with the kids, it’s just not practical for me, If I can’t manage to do it for myself how can manage to do it for my partner. I don’t always look like a mess, I wear my sexy clothes as often as is practical and It’s always nice for my partner to see me like that, I think he might actually enjoy the spontaneity at the very least he never gets bored of seeing me looking dolled up everyday, but if it was up to him how I looked all day everyday, I would be naked. It would be easier than trying to pick out something to wear everyday but it would get a bit awkward at dinner with his family.

I can’t have sex with him whenever I feel like it. We’d be barred from all public places if I did, but that would mean we’d have to leave the bedroom first. But we do have to leave the bedroom, we have kids that need looking after and ends that need meeting, Sex whenever I want isn’t an option. Instead I’ll just harness those pent up sexual urges for when we are alone. Not to mention he might not actually always be in the mood at the same time. Again, this is a practicality issue.

I can’t issue ultimatums in my relationship because it’s not my relationship. It’s ours. Withhold sex until I get my way? Why should I miss out? What would that achieve, If I withheld sex whenever he did something to annoy or upset me then I’d go mad with sexual frustration and he’d look elsewhere. Guilt him into doing things? (actually I am guilty of this one but it’s usually accidental and not intentional, he’s the same, I always feel guilty if I have to say no to him or can’t help him.) I shouldn’t have to intentionally guilt my partner into doing something he doesn’t want to do or go somewhere he doesn’t want to go. He should be able to say no without fear of reparation or emotional blackmail. He deserves the choice just like I deserve the choice to say no too. We’re grown ups, we should be able to discuss the issue and compromise and base our answers on how we feel about the situation jointly, not individually. If say ‘my way or the high way’ on one thing he can do the same back on another, then it just become ‘tit for tat’ on who can be more stubborn and childish. 

I also get annoyed when experts tell me the tricks to always getting your own way in your relationship. It’s usually stuff like using sex as reward for when your man does something for you. It’s hardly a reward if it’s a healthy part of your relationship. ‘hey babe, take out the bins and I’ll let you see my left boob.’ or ‘Sweetie paint the sitting room and we’ll have sex in whatever position you want tonight.’  He’s not a dog. You can’t reward him, especially with sex, That’s like saying to your kids if they tidy their room they can have their dinner. 

And then there is my favourite advice, the ‘stating-the-obvious’ advice. You and your partner are having difficulties trying to resolve an issue, you spend hours talking about it but don’t know what steps to take to full resolve it so you try to look elsewhere for advice that may be helpful, you look to the experts and their advise is ‘ You and your partner are [insert problem here] and what you need to do is talk about it openly and honestly with each other.’  Yes, we did that, we identified our problem, we talked about it, however we didn’t come up with a consensus as to how to proceed to dealing with the problem, that is why we asked you, ‘The expert.’ We were kind of hoping you had a list of different ways to try and deal with the problem together that we could discuss openly and honestly with each other to decide which would most likely work for us, thank you for insight though it’s been most invaluable…

And that’s when I turn to blogs, there are usually several blogs on the specific topic your looking for with several viewpoints and opinions on how to deal with the problem for you decide on the pros and cons of, with the added bonus that you can make a comment and engage the author to further elaborate on their points and help you make a better decision. 

However, my partner and me are still undecided on whether I have to many shoes or not….

* “ADVICE, n. The smallest current coin.” (quote by Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary.)